Dear Reader,

In the last couple of weeks I have heard some extraordinary rumours on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve checked them out and it appears that one of the great news stories of the post-war era is ours to scoop at SMACK.

So here it is – a corporate relations company (Slatchet, Banarl and Deadface, SBD) has taken on, as a new client, none other than the Devil – yes – the Devil himself!

I managed to get an off-the-record interview with one of the representatives of this secretative public relations agency and can outline the finer points of the project
for you here.

It seems that the Devil feels that Hell needs updating. Its corporate brand has been outmoded and needs to be re-pitched to an increasingly disinterested public. Hell, as a brand, has served its purpose well, but, as the Devil recognises, all things must change and you can’t stand in the way of progress.

The Devil accepts that there are certain things which can’t be changed about how Hell carries on its day to day work. As the Devil says, “We at Hell see Fire and Brimstone, as well as eternal burning, as core skillsets which need to be retained but in so doing we must reach out to a younger, more tech-savvy audience”.

My source at SBD told me that the account has been assigned the best brains of the agency. They have been working 24/7 to come up with a rebranded Hell before the US nukes Iran – this being seen as a bit
of a deadline.

So, I am proud to say that we can reveal to you now the newly rebranded concept for Hell which will be rolled out in the coming weeks. Hell will now be known as LinkedSin.

In line with current thinking whereby every single little item of value, notional or otherwise is commoditised, Hell will now allow its ‘users’ to connect with other sinners according to the kinds of sin they’re into. Murderers can link up with other murderers who can also link up with rapists and extortionists, for example. They can create groups such as ‘Mass Internicine Murder’ or ‘Pillagers United’ and exploit their experience and connections by sharing them with their personal and wider sinning networks.

As the Devil says, “We at LinkedSin are confidant that, going forward, the benefits to Evil that LinkedSin will provide and the updating of the Hell brand is going to drive increased sinergies across a broad spectrum of below-market disciplines and return top side value to the Hell franchise for centuries to come”.

I’m told Heaven is also looking into something called GraceBook – one to watch for the future I’m sure.

You heard it here first.

Lionel Teymerson


Comments are welcome